did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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