i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
