On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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