She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm always down for nudity.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
