i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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