I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
