FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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