I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
