Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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