Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
