fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
