Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
