I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
