just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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