Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
i've created a new STD.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
