My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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