Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
