between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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