Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
