he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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