He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
