Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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