YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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