things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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