Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just pee around me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
