The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
