mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
