my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
