A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
