took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
