kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
