The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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