she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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