I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
