Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
