Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
