College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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