I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
