you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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