omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
