i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
