I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
