I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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