You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
