Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
