im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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