When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
