she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
