Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
