i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There's always time for handjobs
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
