Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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