I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
