I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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