I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
