i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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