You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
