Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
